You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
