Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
