my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
foreskin is a definite game changer
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
