The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize