had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
