Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
