I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize