I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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