FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
