I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize