Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Houston, we have a blender
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
