my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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