Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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