he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
