They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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