I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
