Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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