exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
