I am puke
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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