I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
