Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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