My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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