he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
