Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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