checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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