I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
