You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
