enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
