I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
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I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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