P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
