idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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