WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
