my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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