did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
