I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
