Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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