FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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