I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
