i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
