Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
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