She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
