Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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