It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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