Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
