Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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