if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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