My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How external is "for external use only"?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
