Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just had sex on a roof
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
