how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can you bring me the toilet please
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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