If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Who died my cat blue again?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
