the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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