hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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