Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
