im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
