I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
