I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
