Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
