New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
