the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I want to have your abortion
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
